I had a hearing this month where the issue was to continue shared custody or not. The client and her spouse had agreed to shared custody. That is one week the children stayed at the home of one parent and the next week at the other parent's home. Problems arose and my client wanted a change. The other spouse did not.

The judge explained to both parties that he had never seen a shared custody arrangement that worked during his whole career. he explained that the issue was not what either parent wanted but what was best for the children. Shared custody did not really give the children stability. I think the judge made his point quite well with one question to the other party: what is the children's home. Other party said: when they are with me, my home.

If it sounds like the judge was especially solicitous to the other party, the other party was pro se (without an attorney).

The judge's ruling came down last week. He gave the parties joint custody with physical custody to my client. At this point, it is up to the parties to show that they can make this custodial arrangement work.

Today, I ran across Child-Custody – Putting Your Children First. I suggest reading the whole of the article, but I find this important:

When custodial decisions move into contention, creating a scenario where lawyers, legislation and courts determine the direction of your children's future, you not only lose power in your life, you lose harmony within your already fragile family structure.

There is another way. When you create a child-centered divorce, your children win - on every level. Parents who make a concerted effort to sit down with each other and discuss the future well-being of their kids together, keep their perspective where it really belongs - on the children. To do this, they must take into account and ask themselves some very serious questions:

" What's best for our children today, tomorrow and in the years to come?
" How can we minimize the physical, emotional and spiritual damage inflicted upon our children as a result of our pending divorce?
" How can we best support our children through this difficult time?
" How can we show your love and compassion for them as they move through challenges they did not ask for -- or create?
" What can we do to boost their sense of security, self-esteem and well-being during the transitions ahead?
" Who can provide the least traumatic home environment for the children - and for what percent of each day, week, month and year?
" How can each of us best contribute our assets - physical, emotional and spiritual - to create harmony, good will and peace within the changed family structure?
" How will our children look back at this divorce a year, five years, ten years and more from now? Will they understand?
" How can we make life better for our children after the divorce than it was before?

The answers to these questions are not simple, nor are they black and white. They require honest communication between two mature adults who have their children's best interest at heart. And yes, it may likely take more than the two of you to come to resolution on all the child-custody details. That's where you can enlist the aid of professionals -- mediators, therapists, counselors, life coaches and clergy. These experienced and knowledgeable experts will approach your divorce from a child-focused perspective. They have the tools and insight to help you reach agreement on issues that will affect the total well-being of your children in the least-derisive manner.

Interesting post. We see so many in Oregon that want to fight for joint legal custody and shared custody, which is (1) missing the point and (2) a reason in itself why joint custody isn't a good idea for those particular parents.

Thank you quite concisely stating the problem. It would help if Indiana had defined joint custody but it has not and so we have a lot of people with a lot of misconceptions. Much of what I hear people wanting from joint custody they now get from our Parenting Time Guidelines and from making more of an effort to be in their children's lives.

Indeed, as Mr. Hasler points out, it is Indiana's Parenting Time Guidlelines that we are begging to be implemented here in Illinois. Without them, children's bonds with the non-custodial parents (almost always, the father) are being destroyed over time, by any custodial parent who's judgement may be off, who may be narcissist or a sociopath, may be angry, or who may be trying to replace the dad with a new boyfriend, or may feel insecure about her role, etc..

GOOGLE NEWS WITH KEYWORDS:
illinois fathers divorce

TITLE:
Forum: State must let divorced dads play a bigger role

ARTICLE:
As perennial as the traditional Fathers Day gifts, pronouncements on the virtues of fatherhood by elected officials such as President Barack Obama are made to reinforce it. When tied to proposed legislation, these statements have often included a suggestion that many fathers need to act more responsibly.

Likewise, the current presumptions of family courts with regards to fathers' parenting time influences our perceptions of the value of father engagement. The de facto minimum parenting schedule used by Illinois courts remains, as it has been for decades, "every other weekend" with a weekly non-overnight "visit." This number of overnights with their children is, according to at least one national child development specialist, a "child-unfriendly" schedule befitting only "disinterested" fathers. Illinois judges, family court protocols and many legislators have continued to acquiesce to this inadequate standard.

AUTHOR: Michael Doherty, Chair, the Children's Rights Council of Illinois

It is both interesting and surprising when we learn that Indiana is more progressive than other states. Some readers mind find it odd that I put the emphasis on visitation guidelines as I do but the mistake in that thinking is that the Parenting Time Guidelines are only about visitation. I started dissecting the Parenting Time Guidelines on the is blog. I suggest reading those articles to see what obligations and duties those Guidelines impose on both parents.

I will look through the Parenting Time Guideline commentary on this blog. I have a copy of the Indiana guidelines - very impressive and far more thorough than anything we have in Illinois. But bottom line is still - how much access is the child guaranteed to have with their non-custodial parent? Without a reasonable level of guaranteed (i.e., legally protected) parenting time (call it 'visitation' - matters not to the child), there is no way to protect the relationship between the non-custodial and the child. And the judgement and emotional state of custodials, especially in the 24 months following divorce, certainly is likely to be lacking in the balanced, reasonable, mature, sound qualities you'd be looking for in a parent, to place them in such a dominant position over the other parent.